August 2006


As opposed to my usual angry rap, I been all about the quiet storm lately…. Maybe i’m trying to make up for my recent lack of romantic prospects haha.

Some of my favorites:

Prince – Can’t Stop Writing
Angie Stone – I Wish I Didn’t Miss You
Maxwell – Whenever, Wherever, Whatever (possibly my favorite love song ever)
Maxwell – Softly, Softly
Maxwell – Lifetime
Prince – How Come U Don’t Call Me (muuuuch better that alicia keys you silly people)
Jill Scott – A Long Walk
Jon B. – They Don’t Know
Jill Scott – Love Rain
Tyrese – Lately

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So last night i went to lotus with my dear rosario. what a loverly haterfest! there were so many gross people, old people, gross old people, and tourists (which deserve a centemptuous category of their own). I thought Lotus was supposed to be exclusive, meaning there would be attractive people there! wtf!

Last night exhibited many examples of typical mistakes made that prevent the non-whorish, non-desperate, not too drunk to process information girl from having a really good time. So, some tips for the would-be club-goers:

If you are over the age of 45, and you look over the age of 45, do not try to grind up on me. It’s disturbing and I might vomit.

If you are of an appropriate age and hygeine, don’t just grab me. I don’t appreciate random guys just dancing on or near me or grabbing my waist or just bumping into me. Whatever happened to asking a lady to dance? If a guy asks politely I will almost never say no, because that’s just as bad manners as rubbing your pelvis against a stranger’s behind without his or her consent.

And If I do agree to dance with you, don’t hold my hands or start putting your face against my face or neck, or try to get me to hold on to you tight, or start heavy jackrabbit thrusting right away. I’m here to dance with you, but I still don’t know you, I’m not trying to find neither an emotional connection with you nor have vertical sex. If i’m feeling you, there’s always the chance that some of that might happen: eventually. So read my signals and don’t force it. I’m not your girlfriend.

And even if I dance with you for a couple songs, please do not start spitting lines like “I miss you” “I love you” “I want to marry you” “I’m going to call you candy because you’re so sweet” “I really want to know you” et cetera, et cetera. It’s just weird. If you wanna talk to me, hang out, talk, but please, casually! Chances are just because we danced for 2 songs we’re still not soul mates.

And unless you are ridiculously attractive, I mean, ridiculously (and even then it’s still iffy), the first words outta your mouth when you approach a girl should not be “Can I have your phone number?” There are a plethora of other first lines that could potentially work: “What’s your name? Nice to meet you, I’m ____” “Can I buy you a drink?” “Would you like to dance?” “You have nice hair” Whatever, but the key is to establish some sort of familiarity that could get me to the point where I’d still be willing to talk to you tomorrow. Unless you’re feeling reciprocated love at first sight (key word: reciprocated), chances are just looking at you is not gonna make me interested in you blowing up my celly at 2AM when you’re drunk and horny.

And if you are a tourist visiting new york, it’s really not cool to roll up in a club 10 deep all wearing matching I
All of this, the crowd, the lask of room to dance, the ugly people, all of it may have been bearable if only the DJ wasn’t utter trash. He played, except for perhaps 3 or 4 positive outliers, bad music. A lot of medium tempo-southern shit basically no hit songs or danceable beats. The DJ was basically on the “I’m gonna play a lot of underground shit so I can prove how hard I am” tip. I saw a girl go up to him, presumably to request reggae. After talking to her he played 1 dancehall song and then followed it up with slow chill reggae, great if you’re drinking a beer on the beach, bad if you wanna wind. Not only that, but he didn’t cut. This upsets me more than anything. The whole purpose of dj-ing is to play the parts of the song that people like. The roots of hip-hop djing come from DJ Kool Herc – by many accounts the inventor of turn tableism and hip hop as a music form – who would loop the break beat. You don’t play the intro and outro to a song. You don’t even play all the damn verses – the way to keep a party hype is to keep changing shit up so it stays exciting. What this dude was doing – what he was getting paid to do was to basically put on a cd (or mp3’s on his fancy little mac – what happened to skill with vinyl? that’s how I learned back in the day) and put on the cross fader. I could do that shit my damn self.

yo….let’s go back to hempstead.

Me: hey, listen, if i’m going to be honest…(and sorry if i’m overthinkin this)
Me: i’m kind of bothered that youdidn’t invite me to either of your birthday parties
Me: and i understand that you may feel uncomfortable
Me: but i hope it’s not cause you think i’m trippin or that you need to protect me or anything like that
Him: ok you’re buggin
Him: huh
Him: it’s not my get up
Him: it’s my boys shorty
Him: she rented the damn section
Him: her and her rich ass
Me: so why wouldnt you say that instead of letting me think theres some problem
Me: what if i said to you “i’m having a party”
Me: and thats it, no invite and no explanation. i wouldn’t do that to any of my friends.
Him: not my problem if u assume that
Him: all u got to do is ask
Him: instead of assumin’
Me: well thats why i’m saying this, but i wanted to chill for a sec because of course i’m going to react
Him: well chill
Him: it’s not my get up
Me: i understand

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ok, all confusion officially deaded. and this is why i’m single.

Steamy like a winter storm
Softer than the sharpest thorn
I held your hand and I was born
So explain your fury and you were never scorned

You made me feel the way I felt
You can do me wrong babe
But make it feel make it feel

Softly Softly show me you care
Easy easy keep me right there
Would you ever if I doubled dared
Hurt me harshly destroy me with care

And make the first slice like I first cut you
Oh baby why you wanna just hurt me like you do

Softly Softly show me you care
Easy easy keep me right there
Would you ever if I doubled dared
Hurt me harshly, destroy me with care

(ohhh..softly baby yeah…)

Steamy like a winter storm
Softer than the sharpest thorn
I held your hand and I was born
Softly Softly destroy me with care

Another weekend in Long Island. I once again ditched my college friends to go back home and I love you guys but i’m sorry, it was so worth it. Saturday spend like a half hour at a bbq just shooting some bball in my skirt and tsinelas (gotta practice bball in tsinelas for the Phils woooo), then sat around with nicholas, macquin and katie for a bit, went to visit bobby and anna, played some pool at jilians (it is NOT dave and buster’s!), went to a club in hempstead with macquin and some of her people, spent sunday morning with nicholas and sunday afternoon with tarik.

the club was POPPIN!!!!!!!! i mean, it wasn’t the best party or nicest place, but it was a place where i could finally just do what i have been longing to do since grad…dance all night like a maniac to some great songs. i drank an obscene amount of liquor but for some reason still didn’t really get buzzed…but it didn’t matter because i was seriously feeling the scene. siiiiigh i LOVE jamaican clubs. i must admit, i did feel a lil weird at first cause it’s been a while since i was the only non black person in a crowd of black ppl. mix the typical girl insecurities with the thought that ppl are waiting to laugh at me because they expect me to dance, well, like an asian. but i quickly fell back into my old niche and felt good about my token role haha. who knkows, maybe i disspelled some stereotypes that night, cause you know my hips was on point boyeeee. lol yes i’m gassed. what you want.

speaking of which, so i hear philip and onyx had a party fri night and all my friends were there and i didn’t know about it. boooooo. i’m lookin through the pics right now matter of fact, this woulda been some reunion shit! hopefully there’ll be another before i leave…

y entonces, el domingo. quizás…fuera un paso atrás. Estaba decidida, completamente segura que nada iba a pasar. y todas las otras veces quando lo vi, no estaba atraída a él…pues, no era como era cuando estabamos juntos, lo pude controlar. quizás, fuera estar allí, en su hogar, donde hay recuerdos….donde lo hicimos en casi todos los superficies. El sentarme en la sofa evocó los recuerdos…y él era tan…simpático. Como el mejor de nuestra tiempo juntos. no me senía pequeña ni insultada ni tonta ni nada. y también, porque he tenido tiempo para conocerme y yo no tenía tanta vergüenza ni miedo, yo estaba más comoda ser yo misma. entonces….yo no sé porque me siento así..un poco confusada, un poco culpable. quiás es porque no esperaba hacerlo, esperaba que pudiera controlarme y esos emociones. y la controlé unas veces…per me persiguió lol. lo quise, pero pensé que no debiera, per al fin, lo hice. y era bueno. y ahora siento que el tiempo no ha pasado. que nada cambió y no puedo escapar ni ignorar nuestra conección. no…no creo que puedo estar con él..no funcionará. somos diferentes..pues….no somos tan diferentes pero estamos en lugares diferentes de nuestras vidas, aunque eso es un cliche es verdad. aquí estoy…en mi mundo académico y verdaderamente escondienco un gran parte de quien soy…ignorado de donde vengo..mi barrio…mi gente. en muchos niveles, él es de donde vengo. pero a la vez, quiero más. quiero levantarme y escapar de los problemas de mi barrio. quiero algo mas grande. pero la verdad es que no puedo olvidar, y que no quiero olvidar completamente. y ahora…me encuentro pensando en él como eramos. como hasta ahroa es mi novio y somos juntos y es un gran parte de mi vida. me encuentro pensando en él…como este año no ha pasado. como hay un futuro….y no quiero sentir así. no quiero creerlo. no sé lo que es que me atrae. estoy cayendo…es como la canción costumbres de la india..pero, no tengo tanto rancor. es un hombre bueno. hasta ayer creía que era bueno, pero no para mi y ahora me pringa que tengo dudas.

THE BASiCS
Name: Cecilia
Nicknames: C, ceci, cece, cil, cecil, celia, cilya, lia, shorty, shorty rock, superstar
Birthday: may 30, 1985
Gender: female
Hair: it’s actually black right now
Eyes: brown
Height: 5’2
Zodiac Sign: gemini
Status: siiiigh single
Graduation Year: um, college was 2006

FAVORiTES

Movie: saturday night fever
TV Show: fresh prince
Book: umm i have no idea…but i think everyone should read Courtroom 302!
Color: black. yeah i know it’s not a color but i like it
Food: rice and fried fish or chicken fried steak
Drink(Non-Alcoholic): naked juice
Drink(Alcoholic): wow, really depends on my mood and what i’m eating, etc. buuut, i think i’ma have to go with hennesy. i’m an old man and i like good cognac.
Scent: estee lauder pleasures. fresh rice. nyc after i’ve been away.
Actor: john leguizamo
Actress: rita moreno
Sport: basketball
Cartoon Character: goliath from gargoyles
Store: costco haha. um probably dr. jay’s
City: new york baby, where else
Vacation Spot: negril siiiiiigh
Band: beatles
Song: oh man. let’s go for 1 from each genre. rap: New York State of Mind by nas. slow jams: Whenever, wherever, whatever by maxwell. salsa: hasta que vuelvas conmigo by marc anthony. jazz: lover man by sarah vaughn. rock n roll: in my life by the beatles. showtunes: without you from rent or impossible dream from man of la mancha. classical/opera: Mon coeur souv’re ta voix from samson et dalilah
Football Team: bills. i’m from rochester.
Basketball Team: knicks till i die
Baseball Team: apathetic
Animal: emerald boa
Magazine: the economist
Candy: pilipit or truffles
Restaurant: j&r…their rice and beans are like crack
Jewelry: hoop earrings. i’ve been wearing them since i was 5
Day of the Week: saturday
Ice Cream Flavor: green tea or red bean mwahaha
Number: 4 i guess

PEOPLEour Best Friends: macquin, nicholas, cheryl, emilyx2
Your Shoulder to Cry on: nicholas. but i don’t cry. cecilia never cries.
Do You Have More Girl or Guy Friends: guy haha. look at my birthday, it was a sausagefest.
Who do You Consider a Sister: emily, macquin
Who do You Consider a Brother: nicholas, amol, vondell even though i haven’t seen him in a while
Who Knows All Your Secrets: no one, but nicholas
Do You Have An Enemy: i hope not for their sake
Boyfriend or Girlfriend: none
Do You Like Someone: NO DAMMIT!!!!! sigh. how boring

HAVE YOU EVER

Been in a Car Wreck: not one where the car got totalled, just a little smashed up
Been Arrested: no
Broken the Law: of course
Been Skinny Dipping: no
Been in Love: …yeah
Smoked: yes but not anymore
Drank: yes
Smoked Pot: a long long time ago
Been Kicked Out of School: no
Skipped School: yes
Failed a Class: no
Broken a Bone: no
Shoplifted: i was an accomplice
Tried to Intentionally Hurt Someone: yes
Fell Asleep in Class: who hasn’t?
Been in a Fight: yes
Been Out of the US: yes. spain, jamaica, canada and soon to be pi
Had Surgery: yes. plastic surgery. how do you think i got this nose?
Spent the Night in the Hospital: yes
Snuck Out of Your House: no
Lied to Your Parents: yes
Showered at Someone of the Opposite Sex’s House: yes wtf this survey is for younguns
Saw Someone Die: no
Had a Near-Death Experience: yes. when i was 18 i got hit in the face by a ghetto sled
Liked Someone Who Didn’t Like You Back: sure
Had a Broken Heart: yes.
Broke Someones Heart: so they say….
Cried Over The Opposite Sex: of course
Played a Game Requiring the Removal of Clothing: yes
Laughed Until You Cried: yes. everyday when i think of marco hahahahaha
Slept Under The Stars: yes. take me back to jamaica!
Mooned or Flashed Someone: sure
Killed an Animal: dinner
Prank Called Someone: hahahahahaha no comment
Slept in the Same Bed as the Opposite Sex: no, i kick them out as soon as we’re done


YOUR FiRST

Kiss: um 14 i think
Car: 1987 chevy caprice
Trip Out of Your State: i traveled between jersey, pennsylvania and new york a lot ever since i was little. besides that i went to fla when i was 5
Job: cashier at a asian grocery when i was 13
School: paumanok elementary
Trip to a Beach: grew up near beaches
Celeb Crush: zack morris!
Best Friend: macquin. never changes!
Pet: bridget. she was a bird
True Love: i fell in love with chicharon when i was teething

LASTS

Time You Were Out of Your State: this weekend i was in pa and jersey
Slowdance: wow..who knows. it’s been a really long time. no one slow dances at clubs unless they’re wack.
Movie You Saw at the Theater..(With Who): pirates 2 with maribelle and cheryl
Person You Talked to on the Phone: according to my caller id…..ingrid. the call went somehting like this: “can you sign cheryl in. ok thanks bye.”
Song You Heard: rewind by nas
Broken Heart: 1 year ago around this time
Thing You Ate: marachino cherry which was in my….
Thing You Drank: rum punch
Person You Hugged: gennady
Shower: this morning
Show You Watched on TV: making the band. HATERATION!
Trip to a Mall: ummm a month or so ago to go to dave and buster’s in rockland

I’M GOING TO THE PHILIPPINES IN 28 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I find myself thinking about my neighborhood a lot lately. I’ve been making special efforts to hang out with people from home. I’ve been having a lot of dreams about my old house and people I grew up with. Maybe its because it’s summer and everyone’s getting away from college life. Maybe now that college is over, I’m looking at my life as a whole.

Last Saturday my girl Natalia asked me to bartend in Bed-Stuy. It was soooo much fun, just a great, typical backyard house party with a bunch of west indian folk, it really reminded me of home. There’s just a certain level of comfort, one that I hadn’t felt in a long time and that I had almost forgot about, that I had at the party, it reminded me so much of home and my friends’ families that i grew up with. I am Filipino, and college has been great spending so much time with Filipinos, there definitely is an unparalleled level of comfort there too…but I also feel like I grew up so different from most other Filipinos, especially the ones at nyu. I dunno, it’s like hanging with Filipinos is exploring a part of myself i always longed and strove for, i guess we’re all in that boat together, but hanging with the west indian crowd is what i know and and comfortable with. yeah ok, overthinking stuff, but yeah, it was fun. i miss my neighborhood.

Unfortunately, last Thursday I had to go to Mr. Williams’ funeral. Well, of course I didn’t have to go, but I really needed to. It was so strange, there were just so many people I haven’t seen in a long time – I even saw Loyce at the train station! But, what was really amazing was how many people showed up to uncle denis’ funeral – the funeral home couldn’t hold us all. And there were soo many people that I knew that I didn’t know knew Uncle Denis. It was nice to see Tarik and he was really supportive. I mostly spent time with rita and danny and anna and christine, which was great cause they really were like my second family. actually, my family, rita’s and denis’s…we all grew up together, in that little house triangle.

What a shame that it takes an event like that for us all to get together. I can’t believe Darnell is all grown up and even graduated from high school. And Denis III is already running around on his own. wow. but more than anything I, of course, was thikning about Denis Sr. I didn’t know all hte stuff he did – all the youth groups and community orgs he started and everything.

I was just thinking about all of my memories of him…which i haven’t thought about in sooooo long. I thought about that block party in 1990 which was amazing, him and my dad sitting on cardboard in our front yard and eating seaweed and squid salads, taking me to the park to play sports (i never went to that ghetto ass park with anyone else), walking me home that time i wanted to sleep over but got scared, playing running bases, coming to their house before school while my parents went to work, the tree house in their backyard, always singing a random song! haha the song that comes to mind most is Can’t Touch This..that’s how long ago it was…., when my father had open heart surgery and he came over to make sure my mom and i were doing ok and to offer help, buying me ice cream from the ice cream truck because my parents refused to. my parents didn’t understand the connection between children and the ice cream truck, they would just tell me to get ice cream from the freezer but it’s not the same!

But what i kept thinking of most, what always returned to my head, was that he was the one who taught me to tie my shoes. When your kid learns to tie their shoes, it’s a big deal. there’s an episode of bernie mac where wanda teached baby girl to tie her shoes and freaks out because she taught her something that would stay with her for the rest of her life. yeah…i remember it vividly. i had been trying for a long time to tie my shoes and i couldn’t get it and my parents were frustrated with trying to teach me. i remember sitting at the top of our steps waiting for the bus and mr. williams taught me to tie 2 loops in a knot. haha i was soooooo excited. wow. he taught me to tie my shoes. i do miss him. i miss those times and that neighborhood and our family. God bless, uncle d.

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