You ever just want to hop a plane…just go on the next flight out of JFK…to some place where no one knows you. Where you have no expectations or obligations. Maybe some deserted island where you just live in your hut and sit on the beach and fish and gather and live with no complications. You don’t tell anyone where you’re going and you have no way of keeping in contact with anyone. Maybe you don’t tell them that you’re leaving at all and then wonder if anyone worries or misses you. Maybe you just tell a few people that you’re still alive and leave it at that. And you do it, you escape, so that you can be comfortable in the knowledge that if you’re alone it’s because you chose to be alone, not because no one wants you. Well, I definitely know how that feels. Yes. I do.
Maybe I’m too closed, but still have the desire to be open. Maybe I give too much or too little. Maybe I want too much. Maybe I need too much. But I keep doing it. I never learn, and I keep doing it. I should know for whom I am the care-giver and for whom I am the care-receiver. Maybe I shouldn’t expect anything. You would think…I’ve been taught my whole life that you can’t trust anybody. You would think I’d have accepted that by now. But I keep trying. I keep wanting so much to believe. You would think that after everything I could just LET GO OF THE HOPE and accept that you simply can never trust or rely or expect anybody to understand you…not even family.
So yeah. Sorry about last night guys, I was going through some stuff. I expected too much, by means of a diversion I guess. But when it came down to it, I just needed some alone time. I had to sort through stuff. I was pissed at first…really pissed. Well, more depressed. Quite depressed. But I’m ok now! I guess it was the amalgamation of a bunch of annoying small things that pushed my buttons in a really personal way. I should just know, I should just learn what to expect and what not to. I can handle it.