Yay I’m so proud of myself, I came up with a witty title.

So, I bought diet pills today. I feel
good
bad
scared
like a pussy for being scared
like a cheater
desperate
like I shouldn’t be so desperate
like i’m self-medicating (in case you don’t understand, this is a double entendre. I’m self-medicating both because I would be taking pills, and because taking pills would facilitate my self-medicating with food.)
like my value system has changed
like I’m overreacting
like I’m taking the easy way out
like I’ve become one of them (by them i mean those girls – you know)

So I went to GNC early this morning and bought them – they’re called “SlimQuick.” I’m still not really sure if I was just taken for a ride by the sales guy, I didn’t really have time to comparison shop on my own. Supposedly, it boosts your metabolism through caffeine and B-complex vitamins. At least, that’s what it says on the box. According to the guy, you don’t have to be obese to take them, they’re just dandy for ordinary peopel who want to lose a couple pounds and there’s no side effects except what one would normally expect from caffeine. 35 bones.

What amazed me about this purchase more than anything is the intense doubt I experienced almost immediately afterward. Should I take these? Not necessarily because I’m afraid of health side effects (my next step after writing this emotion purge will be reseach on all the ingredients, trust), but because do I want to be one of those people who take the easy way out? I’ve never had real issues with my weight – shit, I wouldn’t even consider my situation now a real issue. All I want is a little tone for Spring Break. I measured myself this morning – waist and belly button. I’m about 2 inches more than what I used to be, what I (think I) should be. 2 inches on me is maybe 5 pounds. I know I don’t really need pills – I know I could do this by just changing my diet to resemble more of what a normal (non-Filipino) person eats. I know that just after 2 weeks of watching what I eat and (very) mild exercise, I have been seeing progress. So why take pills?

I must admit, I am somewhat curious. I want to see if and how much they work. I am human and I do want the easy way out. But, I don’t want to be that kind of person. I’m not someone who takes shortcuts. I’m old fashioned. I’m hard work. I don’t look for luck or miracles or gifts. I grin and bear it. I earn what I have. But losing 5 lbs. is not something so important to me that it’s not worth having unless I earn it. Is this really a question of losing weight anymore?

Maybe I should just take some crack and be done with it.