January 2006


So on Thursday night I spent time with two of my most favoritest guys ever, and I realized something: It’s awesome when people are nice to you.

I guess I, as I suppose a lot of us do, tend to get so involved; working hard, going fast, I don’t even bother to deal with how I feel or what I need. It’s like those days when you forget to have lunch (excuse the overly-used metaphor of emotional starvation). You see the same people every day and are just supposed to assume that they still like you (or that they ever did for that matter). You forget that you deserve that reassurance.

As a girl, I think it feels especially good when guys are nice to you. Not in a flirtateous way, on the contrary, it’s the lack of lust that makes the situation so good. Pardon me if this is anti-feminist (I don’t think it is, but whatever), but it’s nice to be treated like a lady. Not like you’re helpless, but that there’s a guy who cares about you, who’s looking out for you without any alterior motive. It’s nice to feel safe, to let down your guard a little bit and trust someone else to take care of you, not because you can’t, but because they can.

It’s not often that other people take care of me. I’ve always been the mother hen. Gotta be tough, gotta protect, gotta keep the front up. Not that I want all of that to change…but it’s so refreshing to be with people who don’t think of me like that. Contrast the lines I usually hear from my guys friends:
Don’t kick my ass
You talk like a man
You’re so scary
You suck at (fill in the blank)
I’m sorry, Don’t hit me!
Go kill him/her for me

With the lines I heard repeatedly that night:
Are you having fun, Cecilia?
Don’t worry
That’s my girl!
I’m so glad you’re here
You’re fun
You’re so cute!
I don’t think anyone in IFA has EVER referred to me as “cute”
Not to mention the:

You’re absolutely not going home late at night by yourself. I don’t care if you think you’ll be ok.
And of course, the next day, the previously unheard of:
That was fun last night

It’s not that the whole night was filled with daisies and rainbows, just a few nonchalant comments. So why did it impact me so much that 4 days later I’m writing about it?

I guess I had just forgotten what it was like to have people be nice to me.

Yay I’m so proud of myself, I came up with a witty title.

So, I bought diet pills today. I feel
good
bad
scared
like a pussy for being scared
like a cheater
desperate
like I shouldn’t be so desperate
like i’m self-medicating (in case you don’t understand, this is a double entendre. I’m self-medicating both because I would be taking pills, and because taking pills would facilitate my self-medicating with food.)
like my value system has changed
like I’m overreacting
like I’m taking the easy way out
like I’ve become one of them (by them i mean those girls – you know)

So I went to GNC early this morning and bought them – they’re called “SlimQuick.” I’m still not really sure if I was just taken for a ride by the sales guy, I didn’t really have time to comparison shop on my own. Supposedly, it boosts your metabolism through caffeine and B-complex vitamins. At least, that’s what it says on the box. According to the guy, you don’t have to be obese to take them, they’re just dandy for ordinary peopel who want to lose a couple pounds and there’s no side effects except what one would normally expect from caffeine. 35 bones.

What amazed me about this purchase more than anything is the intense doubt I experienced almost immediately afterward. Should I take these? Not necessarily because I’m afraid of health side effects (my next step after writing this emotion purge will be reseach on all the ingredients, trust), but because do I want to be one of those people who take the easy way out? I’ve never had real issues with my weight – shit, I wouldn’t even consider my situation now a real issue. All I want is a little tone for Spring Break. I measured myself this morning – waist and belly button. I’m about 2 inches more than what I used to be, what I (think I) should be. 2 inches on me is maybe 5 pounds. I know I don’t really need pills – I know I could do this by just changing my diet to resemble more of what a normal (non-Filipino) person eats. I know that just after 2 weeks of watching what I eat and (very) mild exercise, I have been seeing progress. So why take pills?

I must admit, I am somewhat curious. I want to see if and how much they work. I am human and I do want the easy way out. But, I don’t want to be that kind of person. I’m not someone who takes shortcuts. I’m old fashioned. I’m hard work. I don’t look for luck or miracles or gifts. I grin and bear it. I earn what I have. But losing 5 lbs. is not something so important to me that it’s not worth having unless I earn it. Is this really a question of losing weight anymore?

Maybe I should just take some crack and be done with it.

It is officially my duty to inform any and everyone of this scam from cheaptickets.com. So, today I look at my bank statement, and I see charges of $9.99 from “TLG*GREATFN#####,” What the hell is tlggreatfn? i wonder. Hmm, I don’t recall buying anything on Wednesday, certainly not on my debit card (which luckily, I rarely use). Lo and behold, theres another charge from these bitches from December.

So, I google. IT IS A SCAM. Evidently, TLG is the parent company to Orbitz, CheapTickets and Buy.com. I along, with a plethora of other people, bought plane tickets from Cheaptickets.com, and was unknowing signed up for some sort of discount/rewards program called GreatFun. Mind you, I admit that I don’t always read the entire contract for services when I buy things online, but I always pay attention to those little boxes with the “special offers” and make sure they are checked or unchecked appropriately. I never received any sort of confirmation/member services email or mail to my address. The only way I (and this holds true for the other people who have posted online about this scam) even knew I was being billed for this “service” was when I saw the charges on my bank statement.

Thank goodness for consumer protection websites. This website had the phone number for customer service, which I promptly called to cancel my membership and stop the charges. Thank you, ripoffreport.com.

Talk about a disgusting, underhanded way to conduct business. Most too-good-to-be-true offers have a catch, but the catch is usually divulged up front, even if it’s in fine printor oversold as not a catch at all. To exacerbate the immorality of it all, when I called to cancel, the phone rep tried to entice me to remain a member by offering me a gift certificate to Wal-Mart! I suppose it’s true for individuals as well as companies – you can tell a company’s character by the company it keeps. (hey, it works out!)

So, long story short, if you have ever bought anything from cheaptickets.com, orbitz.com, or buy.com, CHECK YOUR CARD STATEMENT RIGHT NOW. And if you see any charges by TLG*GREATFN, call 1.800.214.6422. to get rid of those bastards.

Please spread the word. And if you have any connection at all to the better business bureau, get those bitches.

How do you leave the past behind when it keeps finding ways to get to your heart…

Sometimes you past comes to bite you in the ass. You think something is over; you’ve dealt with it and it’s done. Then, as soon as you think you’re over it, poof! it reappears.

I’m so emotionally….just everywhere. I thought I had it all figured out, then within a 24 hour period I can’t seem to figure out what I want (perhaps who I want is more appropriate), or what my values are or where I am or how I feel. AHHHHHH it’s just a big old mess.

Why do we all have this completely irrational need to be loved? I thought I was over this need. I thought I could just focus my life on love for humanity (which is linked to my career and ambitions), my platonic loves, and my maternal love. I thought maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay if I never settled down, never got married, and just took care of my career and my Sophia and my friends for the rest of my life. But romantic love – the most completely irrational of all the loves – is like an addiction. If you get away from it for a while, you’re ok; but as soon as you’re near that bottle all the old cravings come back. I guess it really is a physical addiction, I mean, it’s all adrenaline and seratonin, right? But I have no problem as far as getting hooked on otherwise addicting substances, I mean, smoking, drinking, I’m good with all that. haha. But…romantic love is something of a completely different level. Dammit.

And why is it always multiple or no one for me? Either I’m completely alone or I have too many options. The irony of my life never stops.

Working with lawyers has been…interesting. I work at a relatively small non-profit. The majority of the lawyers we have here came from big corporate fims. As a result…they’re spoiled as hell. Pet peeve #1 of the week – when people drink the last cup of coffee and don’t make more. I have made coffee every day this week. Sorry people, there are no personal assistants here, MAKE YOUR OWN DAMN COFFEE.

And then today, I am once again making coffee, and I don’t bother to wash the coffee pot because it just had coffee in it, and I’m going to put more coffee in it, so it’s sitting in the sink filling with water while I get the filter ready. Of course, the water is tinged brown, cause the pot had coffee in it. Some chick walks in and is looking at the pot wondering why the water is brown. I explain why. She’s still staring at the pot. So fine, I dump the water out, rinse the pot, and continue letting it fill to show her that the water coming from the faucet is clear. Then the filter maintenance guy chimes in and says that he just changed the filter and to let the water run. I’M NOT EVEN GETTING WATER FROM THE FUCKING FILTER. He steps in, pours out my water, fills the coffee pot with water from the filter (which takes forever), while letting the regular faucet run, when there was never anything wrong in the first place. This may not seem like a big deal to you all, but come on now, how damn stupid do these people think I am?? I’ve been making ocffee a this office since before that bitch even applied to work here, and I think I would recognize if the water was brown for a legitimate reason.

Before working at this office I had never expereinced what it was like to continuously be treated like I was totally incompetant.

White Husband: We met in grad school through a third friend who is also Filipino. He said it takes years to court a Filipina – only after 1 year can you hold her hand, only after 2 can you get your first kiss. But, the secret shortcut is to sing her a harana. So, I sang her this song and we were married within 3 months.

Filipina Wife: I needed my green card

My Mom: The theme on Iron Chef tonight is natto. What’s natto?
My Dad: North Atlantic Treaty Organization

My dad on New Year’s Eve after drinking 2 bottles of wine, talking endlessly about nothing, being depressed, being needlessly loud, falling alseep, waking up and running to the bathroom where he stayed for 20 minutes:
I feel as if I’m drunk

So went to Jersey to my auntie’s house. Extremely tired from studying all night. Take what is supposed to be a quick nap – wake up about 10 pm. Get up, write 8 pages of essay. The rest requires internet and downloading and blah blah so go back to bed. The next day, get driven to Brooklyn. Work on the paper until midnight when my computer crashes! Nothing. I mean NOTHING! Windows will not load no matter what. I give up at 4 am. Wake up 8 am. Realize, I never reserved a car to take me to LaGuardia. Call my local car service…no answer. Walk down there – a car will be available for me in an hour – after rush hour i suppose. The service is incredibly busy due to the strike. I come back in an hour and get driven. The driver is really really nice – young guy, 25 i think. he doesn’t even work at the car service, but is driving me as a favor to the owner. I get to the airport in 20 minutes and wait for 4 hours – I was really really early. Camile calls and says she’ll pass along news of me predicament to the Professor. Vacation blah blah – that’s for another post. So today’s Thursday and I’m back at work. I have no computer access for all of vacation, so I email Professor – my extension is until Monday and I have to get a lower grade. Well, I’m not failing. So much for vacation – I’m back to school